The other night, as my wife went to a meeting–one of her rare opportunities to get out and do something for herself versus managing our three kids–I decided to take the kids to Costco to pick up a couple of critical resources we can’t run out of: dog food and Enfamil. 6pm to 8pm is the home stretch of time between dinner and bed for our nearly 4-year old, 2-year old, and 3-month old. And a little mini-excursion is better than watching Max/Ruby/Dora/Diego.
But I don’t think I had done a solo trip like that before, so I was a little apprehensive. Parking lot…big store…etc. But I moved fast and they stayed in the carriage until I was stuck in line and the fun began as 2-year old Jason had become bored. A couple behind me noticed Marshall who was happily smiling at them and complimented me on how “interactive” he was for 3 months old. I said something like “I’ve got my hands full tonight,” to which the guy followed up with “Where’s mom?”
Now I know he didn’t mean anything by that, but I realized how different we perceive these situations depending on both the gender of the observer and the participant. I’ve been guilty of it too. Frantic mom with 3 toddlers crying and whining = mom who can’t control her bratty kids. Man with 3 toddlers crying and whining = heroic parent who is pitching in to help. For men at work, people fret over how if Dad is working late he is missing out on quality time with the kids. Mom working late has outsourced her parenting. Or if she leaves early, she’s not committed to her job.
It’s really nobody’s business. We do what works for us and try not to get caught up in imagining what other people might be thinking. But it takes effort to ignore…and I think men have a lot less to ignore because for us, taking care of kids is something “extra” not expected. For working moms–it’s two jobs. And for stay at home moms, it is one really big job without the break of being able to go sit in a cube where you can blog if you feel like it and eat a leisurely half-hour lunch without interruption.
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Very eloquent way to explain the dynamic between parents, work, and how dealing with the kids is viewed. Thanks!
Dave- couldn’t agree more and well said…
Last time I took my two boys to the grocery store all was well until we arrived (with overflowing cart and a 10 minute wait) at the checkout counter.
The place was packed-imagine 20 checkout lanes 6-7 carts deep..
Both boys (2 and 4) melted down at the same time. While trying to control my boys, the oldest screamed-at the top of his lungs. “Dad, you are hurting me!”
(imagine 100 or so moms suddenly turning in my direction and staring…classic.)
No one called DSS, and thankfully, a few moms turned at me and grinned. I had to cover my face so my boys wouldn’t see me laughing (in this case I had to)
Which brings me to my opinion on the whole topic…
Times are a-changing. I never, ever, ever consider ANYTHING I do with my boys pitching in, no matter what the circumstance. And from this Dad’s perspective, when I hear other parents comment on my zealousness on the home front, my reaction is “why wouldn’t I be? I have the easy job, my wife has the
hard one”
Love this! One of my biggest pet peeves is when I hear a dad say he “has to babysit” – what? Babysit your own kids? Nope, that’s called hanging out with your family. You are SO right about the different perceptions on moms/dads – it’s a tough thing to change, but I think there are 2 things that can help:
1) Moms need to stop doing the “dumb dad” comedy acts to entertain/connect with other women
2) ALL Dads need to do like you and Tyson both write about here.
I made 15 twitter accounts after reading this, and i have a snowball effect.
I made myself out to be famous, and i got 9500 followers, which subsequently makes me around $150 a day.
so, thanks i guess… i would have joined twitter one way or another. but u were the one…
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